I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
