omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
