i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
