Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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