I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
