ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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