is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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