U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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