He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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