I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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