guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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