Kiss
Puke
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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