I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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