You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
As shirtless as possible
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Randomize
