it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hippo gnu deer
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
