MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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