i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
