i permit you to call me
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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