Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
