heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
