Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize