So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
