Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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