you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
