i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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