Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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