I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
