I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
