Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
