if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
