my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it hurts more in the daytime
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
