I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
