my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize