hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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