do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
