put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
