my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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