Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
