she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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