none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
