wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
