I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
