half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
