I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
