she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
