Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
