Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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