i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
