today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
