Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
