whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
