I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
