We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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