Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
