can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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