$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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