i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
