Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
As shirtless as possible
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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