he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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