I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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