So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
