I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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