I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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