He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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