My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
